It's been a while since my last post. To be honest with you, I was waiting until I felt better. I wanted to be in a better frame of mind. I don't want this blog to turn into just a diary of negative thoughts and moments. Then I realized, I am defeating one of my main purposes of the blog. To tell my experience. To express my thoughts and feelings as I live this unplanned, unknown reality.
Janet and I went back to Mayo on Monday, Sept. 16th. After lab work showed my platelets had increased, Dr. Shah felt it was safe to go ahead and place me back on the treatment. That made me very happy in some ways, yet in others, it caused dread. I had begun feeling physically drained before I was taken off of the treatment. After many days off of the med, I started regaining my strength. I did not want to feel that weak, unmotivated feeling again. I am on a less dose of the Pazopanib now, so I'm hoping it is less draining on my body.
Since my last post, depression hit me really hard. Initially, I felt better being off the treatment, however, I couldn't stop dwelling on death, dying, and missing family, friends, and pets. It kept looping round and round until thoughts of suicide wandered in and visited BRIEFLY. I wouldn't commit suicide, but I finally could understand it in others who have felt too much pain. I wasn't in excrutiating pain or anything like that, but what if I am someday? I don't have an answer, however I hope to trust the medical community for adequate supplies of pain killer.
Now that I have prayed and asked for help, help has arrived. It's funny how much more you pray when you're scared, hurt, heartbroken, or been told you have an incurable disease. I pray these days. I grew up in a household with years of Lutheran teachings and some of Seventh Day Adventist. Later, I totally revoked anything having to do with religion and Christianity due to an experience I had with a group of born-again somebodies in my twenties. I had them telling me what I SHOULD believe. I watched them speaking in tongues and claiming the power of God spoke through them.
To make a long story short, I have come to believe "God" or "a higher power" resides more within me than within others to translate for me. My eyes were finally off of people and my trust now came from my own direct contact with the higher power. I no longer look to people to explain God to me.
As I said earlier, my prayer was answered because my depression lifted. I was so relieved and looked forward to a better week. However, Tuesday, I awoke in the middle of the night to terrible back pains. Yes, back pains! The same type of back pains that took me to the hospital when I received my initial diagnosis. But I don't believe the back pains come from the cancer. I just think that my lower back is out of whack. I see my oncologist, here in Eau Claire, this Thursday. I hope something can be done.
I can't help but also think, "what if?" What if the cancer is spreading rapidly - instead of decreasing. Maybe it got into my bones. I don't like to think that way too long though because . . . what if I can wish it to happen by thinking about it negatively. It's so hard to control all the thoughts that invade my mind. I can't win really. At this point though, I do my best in CHOOSING not to believe that the cancer has spread - and just know that my back will be better with time. As usual.
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